Let me complain and rant on topics no one cares about but me. With a voice that others just barely hear and when they do they dont truely care with this voice that i do half time ignore here i'll rant while you don't care.

-From now on i will no longer "celebrate" "christmas" (best known as Give'em-Gifts-Day) there's just no excitment in the previous Eve or even in the unwrapping and the recieving. Visitations no longer stop my heart to jump 3 beats no longer does a smile get glued on my face. the 25^th just wasn't the same it no longer gives me joy in any form i think it causes me more misery

-I dont want a birthday no "sweet 16" for me there's nothing i want out of it no presents, no money, hell i dont even care if i get my license although i have nice car. even if it was just a gathering of friends i would not care to break them a smile because i'd just want them out of my house! i'm sick of these days their stupid their pointless i have no need for them yes i'm in a depression i love how they come on so quick as if only in a blink one wrong word maybe just a joke and you'll send me crashing, falling from the stars through hard wood floors that cover concrete. and as hard as i may try which rarely really happens because i've siezed to care. sad i know but hey whats wrong.

<- look at my fucking awesome purpleish-pick dancing elephant! shit thats good stuff!

In the jungle

where lions roar

elphants dance

to 'Ants in the Pants'

smashing flowers

floursised by showers

from April to May

they dance everyday

but who couldn't

when the NWBA

plays Ants in the Pants

oh yeah i'm the best at gay unrhyming poems

So i finally got out of the house without it being my boyfriends, not that i don't like being there cause i've learned to enjoy it although i'm still afraid of his parents or at least his dad because i feel as though he does not like me.  Inspite the fact that i was at someone's house for a project didn't really matter because it was like having friends again, i miss that a lot. I miss having a best friend or at least a close friend to whom i'm able to confind in and is able to tell me what to do when all i can do is walk in circles or fall to the ground. A friend who can explain my dreams without the "DUH-factor". A person who i can share experiences with or give me insight on topics that i myself am not fully (or properly) educated it, with him/her going off and telling half the school-or even another soul for that matter. I miss those kind of friendships, but i always seem to loss them as if friends were greenleaves on a tree and you want them to stay green forever, but they turn colors, fall, and crumble beneath your feet and behind your back.

*topic change* I discovered a band that i like pretty well tey dont seem main stream which is cool, but their a mix between alternative country (yuck country) and indie rock (yay). We'll just call them an indie rock band.  Their called "Old 97's" so their now on my "christmas list" which now contains any or all of their cds, Weezer's Make Believe, an inspirational wall calendar, pillow, and tire alinment (which i'm in great need of)

*topic change* Dreaming- I've been doing this like a infant on acid! Its absolutely insane, i have 2-5 dreams a night! Occastionally i'll have a dream that i've been having all my life and of course everything in the dream is exactly the same it never changes the setting, the characters, the words, nothing! And than there are the dreams that i've never had before that range from flat-out werid to dreams that make me wake up with tears creeping slowly down my face.  Example: last night i seemed to interupt my own dream so that when it started it was already to the end (i've never had this dream before, but it started in an akward place) i'm hanging out upstairs in my boyfriend's tv room (but it looks like my bedroom) and were watching Saving Private Ryan i'm sitting on the floor like always in the bean bag with my head proped up on his leg, he is sitting in single sofa chair behind me running his fingers through my hair as we watch the movie. Next thing it jumps to my house in the living room, its dark, late at night and as we walk into the room it speeds up and than goes to normal in this spot where he is down on his knees and i'm standing up than he grabs around my thighs and sits me on his shoulds so that his face is in my V. and jokingly he makes motions like he's about to eat me out or something, and than next thing i know i see someone move outside the front of my house, so he goes and door walks outside and is out there for awhile, so i start walking towards the door as him and a bunch of guys (who i asume our his buds) come yelling  and laughing -probably drunk- into my house.  were all in my living room i'm genuianlly confused and my boyfriends goes to eat me out and i kind of yelp in a surprised, confused, embarrassed way. than seconds later a light flickers on in my staircase and there stands my father saying "whats all this racket" I jump to my feet and shove the boys and my boyfriend out the front door as my dad heads back upstiars, i follow behind just as i am closing the door behind my boyfriend saying 'bye, andrew' in a pissed off way giving off the effect that i never wanted to see him again. (here i wake up) roll over a few unhappy times and go back to sleep only to fall into another dream. -the details might be foggy but thats to the best of my memory--

Wednesday Nov. 23, 2005 the day before Thanksgiving my cousin ran a stop sign and hit a woman totalling his uninsured car. He was allowed home for the holiday but his trial is coming up soon to determine how many years he'll be in jail! I went 6 years of my life with him being in jail already he had only been out for two years and i only got to see him twice in a time span of a year and during that year he totaled his other car driving drunk and moved back to Minnosota, well now i wont see him until long after i graduate.  It really tears me up inside because he's my cousin, my favorite cousin, and despite everything he's been through somehows he's always been there for me, he's been my rock and once again he's gone for an amount of years to long for me.

I might be driving up this summer to stay with his family and visit him in jail, but i'm not sure exactly how its all going to work out if it is going to. His father invited me to visit last year and told me the house is open whenever i feel, i'm nervous because i've never been there before and his father hasn't seen me since i was only a few months old because for the longest time he was in jail, maybe thats why josh is a mess, but he sounds like a nice man and i might even bring my boyfriend up with me but i'm not sure how well that'll go over, we'll just have to see.